I’d been dying to blog lately. Guess too much happenings around me in my life etc. I know I m lost.. I feel lost .. I lost my direction in life. What am I suppose to do next? What do I wanna see? What do I want? I had no idea. I just drag my time and days away. I had no sense of direction where am I heading. I packed my life up with activities, courses, hang out with my friends idling away. Refusing to think, not wanting to see what lies ahead ( I can’t see what’s in front of me anymore).
Only to realize last night, when I was pondering, it occurs to me he is the cause of all these uncertainty in my life!! Oh Goosh what’s happening to me!! I allow someone to step into my life and disrupted my peaceful life. I was so contended with everything I own suddenly I turned into a greedy monster, I could hardly recognize, I was so lost waiting and waiting for direction or hint from him so I know where will I be heading. Why should I wait for someone to decide the direction of my life? I gave him the chance and opportunity only to suffer in pain. I cried.. tears just roll down my cheeks landed on my thigh. I mean allow myself to be trapped. Why suffer in pain, when he may not be bothered about it. He asked me to open up to more options, when he knew I can’t.
I am so blind and dumb. The time had come!!!! Yesssss I decided to give up. 1 of my gf told me I am looking for love, some1 to care for me. My character disagree.. I not sure about my heart, meaning die die I won’t agree to that. Hahahaha… so meaning I dunno and refuse to find out or know (so if u read between the lines u might know better than me pls dun tell me about it I dun wanna know). The fear of being disappointed is greater than my wish to find love.
So I decided to start afresh! Back to my former self do what I wanna do. I cannot c the purpose in life but if my life were to revolve around some1 I think rather not. So will there be another one that I will allow in? I can’t foresee the future. But I know after this, I will be more careful, skeptical and fearful of anyone wanting to know me. Yes I m a tortoise I will hide in my shell. Looks are deceiving, my old fren commented that I had a very ‘ang moh pie’ look, the image I portray also modern. Yet deep inside I very cheenah. Traditional Chinese thinking, I not as open minded as I look. I can only try to accommodate but I m not. Sigh.. she is right.. that is the biggest problem about me… I dun match my looks n image portray.
Lastly, hahahaaha yes I lost 9kgs!! Now sexier liao, but I still targeting another 20kgs I really wanna look like skins and bones. even if I look haggard and ugly I dun give a damm! I just wanna lose weight. That is the only thought in my mind now! I dun wanna hear anymore ppl telling me I look prettier if I slim down. I hate them I hate my looks. If I look normal it less bothering to them how fat I m right. Irritating idiots. So y bother about these idiots? Cause after being on diet for some time, I started to like the feeling of hunger. It’s the same as how some ppl feel when they cut themselves. The feeling of pain felt so good they just keep cutting themselves. The feeling of hunger is so good I just wanna feel it. Of cos the day will come when I get used to this diet and stop feeling hungry. Then change diet!!! Go for salad or fruit diet… just to have that feeling. I love it! I m insane yes my sanity left me. Just let me be for the time being I will come back one day.